Getting well means asking for help

In general my mental health is on an up.  I rarely get a panic attack now and days (though they do happen) and things that used to be impossible are more than doable.  In general my life is 10 times better than it was last year.

However, things aren't all roses.  Like everyone else we worry about money, the house work gets on top of us and we get sick and the child gets sick and times are stressful. The problem for me is that for a good portion of my life I have coped badly with stress. I have spent so long thinking in a distorted self damning way that it's a rather hard habit to break.

Oh sure I've learned lots of coping techniques and I have a lot of new tools to combat a relapse but it's not easy to change the habit of a lifetime.  It's getting better, of course it's getting better!  Things compared even to a few months ago are much better.  Slowly, but surely I am learning how to be happy again, but that doesn't change the fact that things are hard and stress has opened a window to my depression.

So, because I have new tools and techniques and things are better I am doing the right thing and going back to my doctor about my depression.

I don't think I need much help but I've noticed in the past that just speaking to my GP or to a mental health professional can really help my ability to cope.

My point is, so often we think recovery means "Okay now I got to go it alone." and it doesn't.  It should mean "I know myself now so I know when to ask for help."

Because asking for help doesn't make you weak, it keeps you strong.

Healthy Reactions

Today I wanted to self harm.

Nothing really dark or dangerous going on.  I'm not deeply depressed or anything so don't worry.

I'm just tired.

I'm tired and in a lot of pain.

At about 3:30pm today I started to feel uncomfortable. I couldn't sit skill and it was like my skin didn't feel right.  I was twitchy and still fatigued and in a lot of pain but my mind wouldn't settle. I felt like stress was bubbling underneath my skin and if I could just let it out I would would feel relief.

I didn't self harm.

I also didn't smoke despite having some cigarettes and really wanting to.

I also didn't gorge on chocolate biscuits which I also had and wanted to do.

I did think of going for a run but it wasn't that long ago since I had the flu and frankly, I'm not really ready to run again yet.

So I called my husband, told him how I felt and I suggested we meet on his way home, pick up the spawn together and go to the park.

You see I want to self harm, smoke and eat to feel better but I know none of that would help.  Going for a run would help if I wasn't in recovery so going for a walk and playing in the park with my husband and son will make me feel better.

I'm learning to fight my knee jerk reaction to use bad coping techniques.  I will slip and make mistakes but I'm getting better at knowing when my brain is lying to me.

So excuse me, I have to go play.

Well I did want him to be a mad scientist...

This is a real thing that happened today.

The child and I went to a playgroup this afternoon. The kids made playdough. After it was made we got out the playdough type toys and...well...played.

My two year old boy proceeded to grab a wooden stick and repeatedly stabbed his ball of dough shouting "DIE! DIE! DIE!"...

So there I was, surrounded by other moms and the child care professionals running the group and I had to say "No idea where he learned that." because I honestly have no idea.

I don't think they believed me.

Part of me was embarrassed.

Part me was thinking "Whatever is behind this is the same force that got me at 5 to tell my dad to 'feed them to the sharks Daddy!' when he was playing his submarine game...my god...he does take after me."

The rest of me was thinking "That's my little future Overlord!"

Anyway, then he was finished stabbing the dough to death and went to make pretend tea and toast...you know like you do.

He's certainly not dull to have around.

Blind Devotion

I have a problem with the internet.

It's not a big thing in a lot of ways and it's not something everyone does but it bothers me in a way that makes me squirm uncomfortably.

What makes me feel this way is fans.  Particularly fans who pile drive on anyone who disagrees with or dares to criticizes the person or thing that they are idolizing.

 I've noticed it happens sometimes when a famous person on Twitter innocently (or with a sense of humor about the thing) link to a critical article.  Sometimes the article isn't even critical but is using their work as an example of a not that great trend.  Sometimes the star is even linking it to say "Hey I never thought of that, that's an a good point." rather then getting upset at the article.

What tends to happen next is the stars fans filling the comment section of the article with replies that range from polite but defending their star to out right bat crap crazy, and there will be hundreds. God forbid that the person writing the article (which may even be a piece of SATIRE) makes a mistake because then they will get 500 replies all pointing out said mistake.  This can even lead to a) the site being crashed and/or b) the star having to tweet "Hey guys? I apperciate your support but people are allowed differing opinions/to not like me/make mistakes/write satire.  Lay off please." in what (if the internet allowed for tone) a clearly embarrassed way.

I know about herd mentality and I get the outrage and wish to defend something you feel is brilliant but here's the thing.  If 10, 20, or 500 people have already said exactly the same thing....you really don't need to add your comment too do you?  The point has already been made.  In fact you might want to read the comments before you post yours because of that.

That's not to mention the darker side of all this.  Some people take it far to seriously and make threats, find phone numbers and addresses and basically act dangerous. Just because someone was rude on the internet. Really?  When it's not actually your fight and frankly it's already being handled by the internet as a whole?  Really?

I mean I believe in the power of social media and I agree with certain types of piling, like when a company or a person at the company is being a douche I believe on sharing that information and calling them out on it. I do not agree though with finding out their home phone numbers and calling them and making threats...which does happen.

There is a fine line between using social media for social change and another one for drowning someones opinion out of fanaticism.

To make it clear, I do not really like an fanaticism whether it be religious, celebrity or otherwise.  It blinds you to the opinions of others and blind devotion is frightening and makes you stupid.

I don't know what I'm trying to get across here exactly and I certainly don't know what to do about it...but yes...it just makes me....uncomfortable.

Anti-Depressants and Quick Fixes

I find myself getting very angry about something.

A lot of people I've encountered, both in the past and more recently, have said "Anti-depressants don't work". They don't say "Anti-depressants don't work for me." or "I think anti-depressants are over prescribed." they say that they don't work and/or they are useless.

I have a huge problem with this because saying a blanket absolute statement like that discourages people who anti-depressants could help, from getting that help.

It's advice like that made me believe I didn't need the drugs and I very much needed the drugs.  I agree medication isn't the right choice for everyone, and that doctors are possibly more inclined to give it instead of offering counselling but without anti-depressants keeping me stable I wouldn't have a) been able to wait the 6 months for the counselling, and b) maintain my recovery.

I know there are risks for being on anti-depressants long term but for me and my situation the benefit far out weighs the risk.

What really gets me is a lot of these same people complain that talking therapy doesn't work and that CBT is a waste of time as well, and they're still depressed.

Now I get that depression makes it very hard to get treatment because you have accept that you need it and I've been those people.  I've been dismissive of medication and CBT and talking therapy was genuinely useless for me, so I get it.

The problem with mental health is that it's not easy to treat and the people who are deep in the throws of it don't want to have wait 6 months, or dig up the past or re open old wounds.  They just want to be better now, they want magic cure that will just stop it all.

I get that!  I've been there and I've wanted the same thing and been frustrated with the available treatments.

But I can't help feeling angry and frustrated when they're convincing each other not to try medication or counselling or CBT for long enough to work.  You have to take the pills for over 2 weeks, and counselling will take a couple of months to change things, and even then it might not be the right medication or the right type of counselling or the right counselor.

I think I get frustrated and angry because I can see the mistakes I've made and I want other people to be okay.

At least now I don't take other peoples problems on as my own.

Once again I say that I acknowledge that medication isn't for everyone and that all counselling doesn't work for all people and I agree that medication can and often is over prescribed, however! It does work for some people and so is not a "complete waste of time" or "useless." They have their place.  Just....important to be said.

Dreaming crazy

Most people have pretty ordinary dreams if they remember them at all.

Some people have messed up dreams.

I? Well I have freaking novels, and specifically? Novels I would hate to read.

Last night I dreamt if a woman who was magnetic, attractive and only willing to live by her terms on her steam punk world. She had a long close, flirtatious relationship with a man her age but he was pretty much the only guy she didn't bone. He marries a wealthy and influential acquaintance. She ends up in a relationship with his (much) younger brother but it sours as he cares for her while she drinks and mistreats him. They fight and break up and she leaves only to meet the old friend on a train journey. He is leaving his loveless marriage and is moving to Austrailia.

They share a night of passion but he is gone on a boat in the morning, He's gone before she was and she realises she loved him and never said. Distraught she rides the train and meets an older gentlemen who is a friendly father figure when he sees her in distress and offers his home. She discovers she's pregnant and *gasp* it's Austraila guys! Once the baby is born she writes to him in the new year telling him to meet her at this old dudes house on a specific date. He fails to show. She writes him another letter and waits for him and again until in the third year he returns, having only received the first letter.

They confess their love! They wish to marry but *duh duh DUH* he's still married and must first get a divorce...

...and then I woke up from sheer boredom. Seriously this reads like a shit novel...and I wasn't even in the dream! I was like just out of shot watching it and eating popcorn thinking "this is really cheesy.". So dream analysis people...what the HELL does that say about my subconscious hmmm?

Making Connections

One of the worst lies that depression tells us is that we're alone.  It starts off slow, you have less energy and are aware that you're miserable.  You feel like you're poor company, you don't want to subject your friends to your mood so you stay away, but that's okay you don't really feel like going out anyway.  The thought of being around other people is off putting, either exhausting or intimidating or so on.

Then if you do go out every glance, every whisper ever laugh feels like it's directed at your.  You're surrounded by people who say and act like they like you and your company but you feel it's an act.  Ever little thing makes you  suspect that they're judging you, laughing at your, or wishing you were gone.  You feel very aware of what makes you different and assume that it repels the people around you.

That confirms the idea that you shouldn't contact your friends and you go out less and less. Eventually they stop contacting you so often, maybe they eventually stop contacting you at all which reinforces the idea that nobody wants you around anyway.  The solitude that you maybe enjoyed at the beginning feels empty, you feel lonely and you're now isolated but you can't see a way out.  You're loathe to contact the friends who have drifted away as you're now convinced they never truly liked you anyway, and you've been out of the loop so long you've forgotten the process of making new friends; and besides, it's not like you ever get out to meet anyone anyway and if you did meet some one you're now terrified of being rejected.

The sense of isolation and loneliness strengthens your depression which makes it harder for you to start being social again so you spiral further and further down.

Getting out of that loop is not easy.  You have to be wiling to make the effort and risk rejection.  However, if you can you'll be surprised at the results.  It's easy to let friendships slide and sometimes I struggle to make phone calls and keep in contact that way, but with the technology available today it's so easy to stay in contact with email, social networking and so on.  However you have to make the effort. It doesn't work if you don't contact people and send emails or tweet or messages.

Most of the time when I made the effort with contacting people it paid off and I have quite a few friends and a good circle of acquaintances now. I also have better relationships with my family and I have a pretty good relationship with my neighbors, at least one of whom I'm good friends with. Another neighbor recently brought over a box of lemon and eucalyptus tea because he could hear me coughing with the flu. This is because a) I have really awesome neighbors. and b) I've worked on being friendly to them.

This hasn't been a hard thing to be friendly, with my friend we've both got little boys around the same age so we go to groups a lot together and meet up to chat and have a cup of coffee. It's pretty awesome actually as the boys adore each other as well.  I just make sure I contact her as much as she contacts me.  My neighbor who brought the tea is just a nice guy and when he asks for favors if we can we help out.  Also I gave the 4 neighbors who live closest to us home made cookies for Christmas which couldn't have hurt.

The point is, they're nice people and I'm nice to them and it pays off.

With my other friends what I discovered is that far from being repelled by my weirdness that what made me different was part of what made me interesting and part of why they wanted to be my friend.

I've also discovered that it is exhausting trying to maintain a relationship with someone who doesn't put the effort back into the relationship.  There are some friends who you're just not going to talk to very often and who will never contact you first, the difference is their attitude when you do contact them.  I have friends I don't talk to much but when I contact them they have a conversation with me and actually make an effort to reply. Other people haven't made that effort and they end up not being a part of my life because I have a finite amount of energy and if someone won't even hold a conversation with me or reply to me when I contact them...well eventually they won't be contacted at all.

Of course this is all easier said then done, but it's true. You can be isolated or your can be social but it's down to you to make the connections.  Not every relationship (platonic or otherwise) will work out but it's worth it to try.

Despite what Depression tells you.